How to be present for conversations that matter when your attention keeps drifting
The gap between looking at someone and actually hearing them, and how to finally close it
You’re sitting at the kitchen table. Your partner is talking. You’re looking right at them. You can see their mouth moving. You’re nodding. But around sentence three, your brain drifts to that email you forgot to send, the weird sound the car made this morning, whether you locked the front door. By the time you tune back in, they’ve stopped talking and they’re staring at you. “Did you hear what I said?” And you panic. You scramble to grab the last few words still echoing in your head and repeat them back, hoping it sounds like you were actually listening. “Yeah, you said something about Tuesday...” But you have no idea what about Tuesday. You caught the word but missed everything around it.
This moment happens in living rooms and bedrooms and cars all over the world. The hurt in their voice. The shame burning in your chest. Another conversation where you proved you’re not listening, even though you love them more than anything.
This happens with partners, yes. But also with your best friend when they’re telling you something important. With your mom on the phone. With your coworker explaining the new project. Anyone you care about can trigger this same painful cycle. For clarity, I’ll focus on partners in this piece, but everything here applies to any relationship where listening matters.
Your attention wandering when your partner talks isn’t about how much you care. It’s about how ADHD brains regulate attention during conversations. And the gap between looking at someone and actually processing their words can be massive, even when you’re desperately trying to stay present.
Looking doesn’t mean listening for ADHD brains
Sometimes your partner can see it happen in real time. They’re mid-sentence and they watch your eyes go distant. That’s when they stop and ask, “Are you listening to me?” The question snaps you back. You look at them and think, okay, now I’ll pay attention. This time I’ll actually stay focused. But even as you’re looking right at them, making eye contact, trying to will yourself to be present, your mind just drifts off again.
Eye contact tricks everyone, including you. Your partner sees you looking and assumes the words are landing. You look at them and assume that means you’re listening. But for ADHD brains, those two things live on separate tracks.
Your eyes can be locked on your partner while your working memory is juggling twelve other things. The fridge humming. The notification buzz from your phone. That thing your boss said three days ago. All of it floods in with equal weight, competing with your partner’s voice for mental real estate.
The cruelest part is that this happens most during important conversations. When your partner needs to tell you something that matters, your anxiety about missing it actually makes it harder to focus. Your brain starts monitoring itself, checking to see if you’re still listening, which pulls attention away from the actual listening.
The slow erosion we forget about
After enough “you never listen to me” fights, something shifts in the relationship. Your partner starts to believe you don’t care. You start to believe you’re a terrible partner. Both of you are wrong, but the damage is real.