When Caring Isn't Enough: ADHD and Connection
How ADHD creates isolation (and why connection is the medicine your brain needs)
You stare at your phone, reading the text from your longtime friend: “Hey, are you okay? I haven’t heard from you in months.” Your stomach drops. When did you last respond? The details blur. You’d meant to call her back, but somehow three months vanished. Now that familiar wave crashes over you: I’ve done it again. I’m a terrible friend. And just like that, it feels easier to avoid her than to explain.
If you’ve spent decades feeling like you’re always disappointing the people you care about, despite genuinely loving them, you’re not alone. You’re not selfish, careless, or broken. This is an ADHD pattern that often goes unrecognized: the painful gap between how much we care and how it appears to others. Today, we’re breaking down why this happens, and at the end, you’ll get a simple worksheet that helps you take the first small step back toward connection.
Why Connection Has Felt Like an Uphill Battle
For those of us diagnosed in midlife (or only now beginning to understand ourselves), the pieces are finally falling into place. All those forgotten birthdays, cancelled plans, relationships that slowly faded... it wasn’t character failure. It was unmanaged ADHD bumping up against the demands of life.
The symptoms themselves create friction: we genuinely forget to respond, we interrupt when excited, we’re late despite our best intentions. Add in rejection sensitivity, that crushing emotional pain at even perceived slights, and it’s no wonder many of us learned to withdraw.
Many of us spent 40, 50, or 60+ years being told we were “too sensitive,” “too scattered,” “too much.” We were the ones who forgot the school duties, whose houses were never quite Pinterest-worthy. We internalized the message that we were somehow failing at being adults, at being friends.
If you’ve carried shame about this for years, please hear this: you were trying to run a marathon with a backpack full of rocks that no one else could see. Understanding ADHD now doesn’t erase the past, but it does reframe it. You weren’t defective. You were undiagnosed.
The Hidden Crisis: Isolated in a “Connected” World
We have more ways to “stay in touch” than ever: texts, emails, social media; yet genuine connection feels increasingly rare. We’re exhausted juggling aging parents, adult children, careers, and our own health. The easy superficial connections don’t feed our souls, but deep friendships require energy we’re not sure we have.
Loneliness is recognized as a public health crisis, as dangerous to long-term health as smoking. And for those of us with ADHD, who already manage extra stress and emotional dysregulation, isolation hits even harder.
But here’s what you need to know: human connection is powerful medicine for the ADHD brain.
Positive social contact releases dopamine and oxytocin: the feel-good chemicals our ADHD brains crave. You’ve experienced this: you can feel foggy and overwhelmed, but a genuine conversation with someone can shift everything.
Research on adults with ADHD found that social support acts as a protective factor, buffering against anxiety and depression regardless of symptom severity. Connection doesn’t depend on “having your ADHD under control first.” The support itself helps you function better.
Dr. Edward Hallowell, a renowned ADHD expert, calls human connection “the other Vitamin C” as essential for someone with ADHD as any daily supplement. Connection gives us validation, perspective, accountability, and belonging.
Think about what a difference it makes: A friend who talks you down when you’re overwhelmed. A sister who laughs with you about your kitchen chaos instead of judging. A book club where you can be yourself. These bonds are transformative.
We’ve spent so much of our lives feeling “out of sync” with the world. Real connection is the sync. It grounds us. It motivates us. It reminds us that we’re worthy of love and friendship, exactly as we are.
Rebuilding Connections
This is about cultivating quality connections that sustain you. Try one or two strategies that feel doable right now:
Find people who understand your brain: Consider joining an ADHD support group, either online or in person. Connecting with other people navigating similar challenges can feel incredibly validating. The relief of being with people who just get it, without lengthy explanations, is profound.
Schedule connection like the important appointment it is: With ADHD, “out of sight, out of mind” is real. Spontaneity sounds lovely, but regular scheduled connection actually happens. Put a recurring coffee date on your calendar. Set a phone call for the first Sunday of each month. Make it automatic so you don’t have to remember to remember.
Consider repairing, not just starting fresh: You may have friendships that faded or became strained. If there’s someone you miss, it’s not too late. A simple message like, “I’ve been thinking about you and realized I’ve been a terrible correspondent. I’d love to catch up if you’re open to it” can open doors. Many people are more understanding than we expect.
Share your ADHD reality with safe people: You’ve likely spent decades masking and hiding your struggles. Consider letting your guard down with close friends and family. “I’m finally understanding that I have ADHD, and it explains so much about why I’ve struggled with staying in touch” can be incredibly freeing. When people understand you’re not flaking on purpose, they often become more patient and supportive.
Give yourself permission to prioritize this: You’ve spent decades taking care of everyone else. Connection isn’t a luxury you earn after everything else is done. It’s foundational to your health and functioning. You’re allowed to protect time for relationships that replenish you.
Your Turn: The ‘Apply It’ Worksheet (Paid Subscriber Resource)
We’ve created a practical, one-page worksheet exclusively for our paid subscribers. It distills these strategies into an ADHD-friendly format that won’t overwhelm you, because we know the gap between knowing what to do and actually doing it.
Use it to identify one or two people you want to reconnect with, choose a single strategy to try this week, and set one specific, tiny action step (like “text Susan on Wednesday morning” or “research local book clubs during lunch break Tuesday”). Small, concrete steps are how change actually happens with ADHD. This worksheet helps you bridge the gap between intention and action.
Quick ask for paid subscribers: we’re looking to talk to a few of our paid subs to better understand what made you decide to subscribe, like what was actually happening in your life when you thought “I need this”? If you’re open to a 20-minute call to share your story, schedule here. (We’ll send you a $20 gift card as a thank you.)
When Understanding Changed Everything
Earlier, I mentioned Dr. Edward “Ned” Hallowell and his insight about connection being “the other Vitamin C” for ADHD brains. His expertise comes from lived experience, and one transformative relationship that changed everything.
Growing up with undiagnosed ADHD and dyslexia, young Ned felt like a failure. He couldn’t sit still, couldn’t read like other kids, couldn’t meet expectations. He felt stupid and defective.
Then came Mrs. Eldredge, his first-grade teacher. She looked past his struggles and saw a bright, imaginative boy who simply needed to be understood differently. During reading time, when it was his turn, she would sit beside him, and put her arm around him. As he stammered through simple words, none of the children laughed, because Mrs. Eldredge was right there with him. Her presence turned what could have been humiliating into something safe.
Mrs. Eldredge’s belief in him became his belief in himself. Decades later, Dr. Hallowell credits that one teacher’s connection with changing his entire life trajectory.
Many of us didn’t have a Mrs. Eldredge when we were young. We had decades of people - teachers, parents, friends, partners, even ourselves, not understanding why we were the way we were.
Whether it comes from a therapist, a support group, a close friend, or even your own self-compassion as you learn about ADHD, being truly seen and understood can still shift everything. Sometimes, all it takes is one person who genuinely gets you to help you rewrite your story.
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This is me to a T. I've spent decades feeling like a horrible person because I don't keep up with friends once I move elsewhere (and I've moved a lot). I'm still too ashamed to reach out just yet. But the validation that I'm feeling just from reading this article is an unexpected gift. Thank you for addressing this overlooked aspect of ADHD.
Montane is supposed to be mindframe, i.e., mindset.